-$70 to thy name

I’m blessed (and cursed) with a rare gift where my bank lets me spend into the negatives, writes Tom Linkins.

Monday

I have $86 in my account. I can make this last the week if I buy eggs and rice and bury greens at the bottom of my basket, thanks to my five-finger discount on fruit and veg at Woolworths. 

When I arrive at Woolworths, I receive a text from Telstra: Hi Thomas, thanks for your payment. Your receipt for the amount of $156.08 is available. 
I have suddenly plunged deep into the underworld of negatives. I dump my basket and walk home, grinding my teeth and fighting back tears. 

I now have -$70 to my name.

Tuesday

Day off. Hit snooze to sleep through my tummy rumbles and allow for a late, late breakfast that can account for breakfast, lunch and afternoon tea (an under-the-counter Chinese cigarette and a coffee from the Moka pot).

Lots of freelance to catch up on – a chance to escape my circumstances! 
Instead, I spend the day working in the capacity of a volunteer, which pays nothing, as is the case with volunteer roles.

I also use my day off to chase up an overdue invoice from two months ago. I’ve been saving it for times like this. 

Wednesday

I’m blessed (and cursed) with a rare gift where my bank lets me spend into the negatives, but only down to about -$70 or -$80. Today I will take my -$70 to -$80. I decide to save my packed lunch for Thursday and treat myself to $9.65 chicken soup with half a dinner roll at the Green Refectory. On my way home, I find two fivers in the recesses of my bag and spend another $9.80 on basil, heavy cream and bread. 

For dinner, I make Countess Luann’s eggs à la Française (basil garni) with a side of asparagus and toast. Perhaps I will split one of my two remaining bananas with Lady Bunny for dessert. (Mine isn’t the only mouth I’m responsible for!)

Accounts for the invoice I chased up yesterday got back to me. I can expect payment in two weeks. Great.

9:11 pm: PING! A text from my mother. 911 are my angel numbers, btw. Joanne Sacred Scribes says this indicates that the angels are opening a new door for me to walk through, and that this new path will bring me closer to fulfilling my karmic destiny. Tonight, the angels work through the generosity of my mother, who has just wired me $100. Ladies and gentlemen, I have returned from the underworld of negatives and will have $30 to my name once the money lands (sometime tomorrow).

Thursday

Yesterday, I overheard colleagues say our team should get coffee tomorrow. Tomorrow is today, and I still have -$80 to my name. I am anxious. A coffee at Code Black will test the limits of my overdraft ceiling and knock me down another $7. Hopefully I haven’t scared the angels away and mummy’s money will come through before the 11 am coffee trot.

Tonight, I have scored a free ticket to Hannah Gadsby. My friend has offered to drive me (rain forecasted).
Note to self: good things do happen to good people.

Friday

Out of office today. Time to crack down on freelance duties and shoot out invoices like a machine gun.

Saturday

I look around my room and wonder what I can hock. Can I live without my beautiful, functional Danish clothes rack? My grandmother’s diamond ring? My highly sought-after Midnight Dance Yazmin? Is any of the shit I own worth anything to anyone other than me? Would you like to buy some old books? Will you pay me to clean your house or take my pants off for you on cam?

Sunday

Tomorrow is payday and, for at least a week, my fiscal troubles will subside to the usual background noise I’m so talented at tuning out. But when rent and bills are due, and my salary stagnates while Tr#mp’s latest pissing match with Iran yet again rattles the global economy and sends the price of everything skyhigh … I will do what I’ve been doing since I moved out of home six years ago. I will grind my teeth. I will smoke a cheap cigarette. I will romanticise destitution in my twenties (EVERYTHING IS ROMANTIC). And I will buy myself a little treat from the corner store, because that’s all I can afford. For now.