It’s been a minute. I may have taken our piece on doing nothing a little too literally, and as result this piece got lost amongst the other thirteen half-written documents on my desktop. In my defence I’ve been channeling all of my energy into making mistakes with boys, learning the lyrics to Carly Rae Jepsen’s new album (like any good homo), and being depressed.
Tom, Dick & Carrie has been sitting in my back pocket long before my career as amateur writer or professional homosexual even began, and after countless revisions and reworkings I’ve decided to finally share it with the world. There’s Tom (that’s me, duh), Dick (the source of all of my problems) and Carrie (twenty-first century sex prophet). Instead of wasting another nine months wrestling deep-seated shames about my relationship with sex and fretting about what my mum might think of me oversharing on the internet, I’ve decided to turn the responsibility over to you, dear reader. Cast aside your prudences, lube up your lower portals and prepare for a hot load of the truth according to me.
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Legend has it that a boy in my year eleven class used to stick pencils up his butthole to cum. At least that’s the rumour that went around. It didn’t stop there either. Each sequel grew more risqué and grotesque than the last, until the boy turned from late bloomer to Legend — his special moment even got a shoutout in our graduation speech. But I’m not here to talk about where controversy takes us, I’m here to talk about where it starts. You could call it fifth base adjacent; plugging the base chakra; almost anilingus; or, you could call it what it is: Butt Stuff.
We all know one or two straight girls who’ve been hailed as ‘brave’ for writing their own chapters in the annals of anal pleasure. Whether they got there my accident (“Ouch, Bruce — That was my butthole!”) or with the assistance of a meticulously rigged 12-step program (also known as the High Fibre Bottom Diet™), the notoriety of their Anal Story likely became larger than they themselves. Pencil Boy wasn’t the only pupil from high school with an anal stigma that stuck to him like a bad smell. There was a girl who graduated before I’d even started. I might not have known her, but I knew her legacy. Ew, Rita Rectum?! My sister told me she does anal. Right then and there, the reputation of a girl who had so many other virtues to be defined by was detonated. And why? Because we’ve been taught to believe that anal pleasure is gross.
As Charlotte Yorke once famously said, “Men don’t marry Up-the-Butt-Girl. Whoever heard of Mrs Up-the-Butt?” It’s not like I don’t get it. I do. Up-the-butt-stuff is a lot to get past for most of us — even us gays struggle with it. It doesn’t matter how many WikiHows you read, how much porn you watch, or how much lube you arm yourself with, the stigma that comes with it is a clingy bitch that’s hard to be rid of.
Like I said, even queer communities have beef with what goes on between the cheeks. Mazahir Hussain (sex positive artist, sexpert, and creator of Tom, Dick & Carrie’s first editorial image) did me the favour of elaborating on the intricacies of anal stigma within his own queer circles; “A lot of the time my friends talk about certain aspects really freely, like barebacking, or positions, or how some guy fucked them,” he said. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, “stuff life douching is an absolute no-no, because they don’t like talking about the ‘unsavoury preparation’ that goes hand-in-hand with it.” What Mazahir sees in his community, I also see in mine. We may tout ourselves as being unashamed and ‘sex positive’, but at the end of the day we ditch the cold hard truth for glamorous Samantha-Jones-esque half-truths. Anilingus remains a source of shame, even for those who have no other options.
Is it too much to ask for a world where I can tell my friends how desperately I want to suffocate between Tom Holland’s sweet cheeks without being met with pure disgust and disregard for non-heteronormative sex acts?! For Christ’s sake; the ice-caps are melting, our heroes are dying, and the world is run by bald dudes who get off on torture porn and turning a profit — and you want to take the glory of butt stuff away from us too?! Mark my words; if the leaders of today were more willing to cop it up the ass, we’d be a lot less fucked than we are. So again, dear reader, I urge you to cast your prudences to the wind, live a little, and stick a finger in. The answer to all of our problems could be one poke, prod, or pencil away 🍑